Part 3: Selfishness - bringing toxicity to spiritual circles
This blog picks up from Part 2: Selfishness - bringing toxicity to spiritual circles
In the Facilitator in Training programme, there was never
any hierarchy, we were encouraged to work cohesively as one team. Yet, I
blatantly ignored this and struck up a personal relationship with Malana
Taresi, a Malignant Narcissist. I chose Malana out of my co-dependency issues.
My needy nature meant I hungered for someone to give me attention and to look
after me. On the surface she seemed to deliver, so I relied on her more and
more.
Not forming cliques within the group
was clearly communicated by Sree Maa to keep things transparent within the
group, but I did what I wanted and enabled Malana by acting as her narcissistic
supply. She was getting exactly what she wanted by me sharing all my weaknesses
and problems with her. Her ultimate goal was to get me out of Kosmic Fusion as
part of her sadistic plan to take Kosmic Fusion down due to her extreme envy
towards Sree Maa (she wasn’t particularly interested in me, just how I could be
used towards her end game). She was willing to go to any lengths to destroy
Kosmic Fusion and anyone associated with it.
One of the ways in which I have
enabled Malana is by not speaking up when she was telling lies about the
precious work that Sree Maa Shri Ji shares through Kosmic Fusion. This happened
at the end of 2016 when Malana was writing a brochure for the Christchurch Body
Mind Spirit Festival. She was trying to paint the false picture that she was a
devotee of Sree Maa, that it was all happening because of her devotion to Sree
Maa
There was a lot of shadow work happening and I wasn’t ready
to face my own shadow and inadequacies. I chose to leave Kosmic Fusion twice
without communicating what was going on for me as I took the coward’s way out;
instead of opening up about my shortcomings/struggles and seeing if there was a
better way for me to address them than avoidance.
Malana contributed to my leaving with her narcissistic
manipulations, devaluing and discarding me in front other Facilitators in
Training. Even though I left without any notice, the door was always open to
approach or talk with Sree Maa Shri Ji.
I stalled my P.R.O.C.E.S.S. by fighting it all the way with
all my bids for feeling special, getting attention for poor me, playing up;
acting out of ego only. I have strongly dishonoured all that has been so unconditionally,
most Graciously given right from the beginning by Sree Maa Shri Ji.
After the
first time I suddenly left, by the Grace of Sree Maa was lovingly accepted back
and I got to understand what Malana had really been up to in Kosmic Fusion, so
that I could join the dots. Sree Maa didn’t need to do this as leaving was my
choice. It really helped me to have that clarity; Sree Maa showered such
amazing Grace on me _/I\_
When I left, both times I sent back
boxes of precious items, such as items of devotional worship and my personal
course notes, even though I have never been asked to return anything. The
second time I left, I even sent a complete stranger (my brother) to Sree Maa
Shri Ji’s Abode without conferring.
After some time, Malana contacted me via her
handwritten note (pictured below), by using a mutual acquaintance to deliver
it to my work. I knew straight away on reading it, that Joy Kuo and Malana
Taresi had some smear campaign in mind but I could have played along with them
to have been able to alert Sree Maa as to what was coming…Then Kosmic Fusion
could have reached out and got another news provider to expose their plot and
spread the true story.
Instead, I simply alerted Sree Maa
to the note and answered the questions of the paid reporter over the phone. Some of the important points I shared
with him were not included in the article. It’s clear why. Let’s face it –
saying an organisation is a cult as Malana and Joy Vottus did, makes a very
‘newsworthy story’. It served their purposes well to paint themselves as the
poor victims; to keep their faces as innocents to their friends/family (thus
hiding their Malignant Narcissism). The victimiser becomes the so called
‘victim’…
Sree Maa has given nothing but unconditional love
Even though I have only focused on
myself and didn’t do anything to support the mission of Kosmic Fusion or work
on myself, Sree Maa Shri Ji has always been there for my Atma (True Soul) and
kept supporting me like everyone else to move forward. Even in recent times so
much Grace has been showered on me.
Sree Maa Shri Ji graced me with the
unbelievable massive initiations last April from the QVSWPP Master Practitioner
Upgrade Workshop. I was not at all worthy of receiving these and can scarcely
believe how much unconditional Grace has been showered on me over this past
year plus! I even had the phenomenal opportunity to experience the incredible
Greatness of the Absolute when I had come to offer a little surprise seva outside the Abode and precisely at the time
of my arrival Sree Maa Shri Ji came out of the Abode and was about to go to the
Shree Swaminarayan Mandir (temple). I wanted to remain connected with Sree Maa
Shri Ji, even though I ran away, and so was quietly clearing the garden at the
Abode. That day I was so fortunate to be invited to come along to the Mandir
where a very special celebration was happening (Maha-puja of Shree Harikrishna
Maharaj). I was also invited to attend Rishaba Vahanam (a precious ceremony of
devotees carrying Lord Ganesh outside and around the Ganesh Temple).
I had the real incredible privilege
of being shown what the qualities of a real Guru are by Sree Maa Shri Ji. It
was exceptional undeserved Grace and I will never ever forget it. Those moments
were gold and are etched in my memory. Sree Maa Shri Ji has always led by
example and teaches in every action Sree Maa Shri Ji makes.
Sree Maa Shri Ji has always, always
held my hand despite me letting Sree Maa Shri Ji and my true Self (Brahman)
down constantly. Sree Maa Shri Ji sees me only as Attma (True Soul), that’s
what I have come to understand. Even though I have these issues with my small
self/ego, Sree Maa Shri Ji has always stood by my Attma. What a fool I’ve
been to not place my complete trust and faith in Sree Maa Shri Ji and the
P.R.O.C.E.S.S.
Respectfully laying all aspects of
me at the Lotus Feet of Sree Maa Shri Ji in utmost awe and gratitude _/I\_
__/\__o^__ _/I\_
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