Part 2: Selfishness - bringing toxicity to spiritual circles

This blog picks up from Part 1: Selfishness - bringing toxicity to spiritual circles

Focusing on me, myself and I

We were very fortunate to attend two residential retreats where Sree Maa Shri Ji bestowed us with amazing initiations and profound Teachings. But even at these retreats I can now see how I remained very self-centred and isolated myself from others in the group. I didn’t even make an effort to spend time with the overseas FiT who had come from all over the world.

At the 2015 Kawai PuraPura Retreat I selfishly cooked for myself instead of eating the vegetarian food the retreat centre was providing like everyone else. Instead of bonding with other facilitators who were in training, I was creating separation by using my dietary needs as an excuse. I was playing into my own narrative of being an outcast and a victim, all to get Sree Maa Shri Ji’s attention and support.

During the 2016 Taupo Retreat, as usual, I kept to myself and thought only of myself. I didn’t want to drive anyone there from Auckland or back, as I didn’t want to be inconvenienced or ‘put up’ with them. That way I could relax and do what I wanted to do. I used a visit to see my Dad on the way back as a reason I couldn’t take anyone back.

At the Reunion mid 2017 I behaved selfishly towards other team members. When three of the Facilitators in Training arrived to New Zealand to join the Reunion a little later on the day than the rest, I was the one who went to open the door but being one of the hosts, I did not show hospitality to them or did any orientation for them, indirectly resulting in them missing out on the first gathering. I was also quite short with them during the Reunion, just brushing them off when they came to me with questions and was hesitant to share things with them. When one of team members, Clarito, asked me if he could have some apple cider vinegar for a hot drink I agreed, but due to my selfish nature poured it from the bottle myself and only put a meagre amount in, then justifying the small pour by saying it has a strong taste.

I never really considered the other team members or Kosmic Fusion in my actions, placing my needs above all else! The Ashram house was initiated by some of the Facilitators in Training. It was set up to experience what it is like to run an Ashram. and was a priceless opportunity for me and the other volunteers to practice putting others before self (offering service). However, I came from a place of competition or wanting to look good to Sree Maa, rather than from a place of selflessness. I also liked to place myself in a ‘good light’ with the other Facilitators in Training. I really lacked authenticity and was not telling the truth about how I really felt about things and my personal motives.

I am ashamed to admit that I was barely around when the narcissists (Malana Taresi and Joy Kuo) were in the Ashram house abusing and bullying the other volunteers in the Ashram. There weren’t in the Ashram House at the same time, but I have both witnessed them bossing, belittling others and creating a wedge among the volunteers and chose to stay away most of the time. I was playing the poor me card of not being able to handle the toxicity that the narcissists were spreading in the Ashram house. The truth is my presence could only be seen when there was a chance for me to look good in front of Sree Maa Shri Ji.

Seva is offering selfless service, however I mostly did seva that I was comfortable with or wanted to do, such as writeups, and supporting Rita and Jeeya in managing the Ashram whenever it suited me. I didn’t really want to do anything too time intensive or challenging. I would come along and do the obvious jobs that would get me noticed and hopefully some glory. I saw Jeeya doing a lot of work as she was committed to the Ashram but didn't support her on so many occasions. She never asked me for help and I certainly gave her none, shamelessly thinking this was ok. I saw her as the donkey and I was the show pony.

As I was putting my self-interest before everything, even though I knew that help was urgently needed during the move after the Ashram house project was closed, I chose to walk away instead of offering a helping hand. I only came offering help after ‘my break’ towards the end of the move to score some brownie points with Sree Maa Shri Ji.

Expecting special treatment

In the FiT programme I didn’t want to look at my small self/ego self, though it was an essential part of moving to my True Self, but instead I tried to get out of it and tried to manipulate Sree Maa Shri Ji to give me special treatment. No matter how I behaved, Sree Maa Shri Ji always patiently gave me the precious guidance and advice I needed to reflect and make a change. Sree Maa Shri Ji showed me nothing but Compassion and Grace.

Continue to Part 3: Selfishness - bringing toxicity to spiritual circles