Part 1: Selfishness - bringing toxicity to spiritual circles

I first came to Kosmic Fusion because I wanted to cope better with my emotions and to consolidate my sobriety, which was only 6 months along when I first met Sree Maa Shri Ji.

I became a volunteer and wrote a letter to Sree Maa Shri Ji expressing my interest to serve the mission of Kosmic Fusion and explaining why I thought I was ready to become a facilitator to join the Facilitator in Training (FiT) Programme. The mission of Kosmic Fusion was about sharing the Quantum Vortex Scalar Wave Photon Pulse (QVSWPP) with many more, this most benevolent Signature of the Source/Void brought to humanity by Sree Maa Shri Ji. In the FiT Programme, a group of volunteers were being taken under Sree Maa Shri Ji’s Wings to understand where the Quantum Vortex Scalar Wave Photon Pulse, the Shakti of the Guru, is coming from and how to contribute to the mission of Kosmic Fusion.

We were given a lot of freedom as volunteers, Sree Maa was non-interfering and we could work on many different things such as marketing brochures, finances, host meetups and much more. Malana Taresi and Joy Vottus came with an agenda, one to destroy Kosmic Fusion out of her envy and jealousy towards Sree Maa Shri Ji and the other to steal not just the intellectual property but even tried doing an identity theft. I may not have come with such nasty agendas but due to my insecurities and greed always thought of myself.

I have been a highly inconsistent team member. In a nutshell I was always looking out for me and what I could get. I just left the FiT Programme whenever I wanted, yet expected to stay in touch with Sree Maa Shri Ji on Facebook. When I wanted to rejoin, instead of putting in the effort required, I had the expectation to be able to go into the organising team straight away.

The FiT Programme was about practising to be the non-doer, doing something without any expectation or without any desire for the fruits of your labour. This concept of being an akarmi (non-doer) was explained right from the start by Sree Maa, and is crucial to be able to embody your higher potential. However, I only practiced resistance to the core of the Teachings.

Sree Maa taught about various aspects of ourselves, including small self or the ego/antahkaran, the True Soul (Atman), and blessed us with the most precious Teachings to awaken us to our True SELF (Brahman). Sree Maa has selflessly supported us in every possible way to embody our highest potential and move past the ego. This is vital for us to be able to support the amazing, noble mission and vision of Kosmic Fusion. Thinking back, all I did was waste the precious opportunity I was Graciously given to transform. I could not have even seen my ego self and all its facets, let alone have a chance to move past it without Sree Maa.

I played the victim card for years, as did Joy Kuo and Malana Taresi, in a desperate attempt to play innocent, as this is what people with narcissistic tendencies tend to do. I met Malana at a Kosmic Fusion meetup evening offered in Auckland and Joy when I did the Awakenin Transformation Workshop in 2013. Back then they were known as Dallia/Iphigenie/Meera and Irene/Komal respectively. They have now changed their names after being asked to leave Kosmic Fusion, due to the unethical behaviour they displayed for years.

I’ve only served myself instead of supporting the mission of Kosmic Fusion as I had promised in my letter to Sree Maa Shri Ji, who has showered endless Grace on me most unconditionally. I was so desperate for validation and attention on myself that I was not able to contribute to the mission of Kosmic Fusion.

Everyone was most welcome, but there were of course some ground rules or principles as with any programme, such as not forming small groups as there was no hierarchy; we were equals. Sree Maa instilled in us to act with integrity, honesty and authenticity. We were guided to maintain transparency to leave no room for misunderstandings or for wedges to be created between volunteers.

In hindsight, I chose to ignore many of the principles, including not forming small groups, and formed a ‘friendship’ with the Malignant Narcissist called Malana. I was drawn to Malana because I desperately wanted someone to listen and console me for my life hurts and she seemed to ‘care’.

I looked up to Malana as a mentor and became caught up in my relationship with her, creating a lot of drama and distraction, instead of being a good team player and moving things forward.

Wanting to be looked after

I had the narrative of needing to be supported and having unmet emotional needs (poor me mentality), so I targeted the volunteers in the FiT Programme to give me this through sharing my sob stories with them.

In 2015 I went to Europe, but prior to that I complained how much volunteer work there was. I took off for an intended 8-week break, but when I was in Europe, I was seeking attention by sending messages to the other team members, asking for their support in order to feel good about myself.  I had no idea however, how dark the energy of envy can be, which Malana was sending to me as she wanted to be in my place. I actually fell sick early in the trip and returned home after only 4 weeks, quite unwell.

I didn’t want to stay at mum’s, dad’s or my friend Simon’s, so I went to ‘my best friend’ Malana’s house. I was in Malana’s bed chronically ill for a week. However, she wasn’t at all looking after me. Of course, I thought I was entitled to be looked after by Malana and was shocked to see this other side of her, knowing her as a charming friend. After the week a team member had left, and a meeting had been called at Malana’s house. On arrival and seeing my state, Sree Maa Shri Ji were so loving and kind, they went out of their way to take me to hospital. I am truly grateful to have had that level of support.

It should be known that I have a pattern of using sickness and acting helpless to get attention. I was a drain on Kosmic Fusion resources and rather than contributing became a detractor from the Kosmic Fusion mission.

When I stayed at Gillian’s, another volunteer, after coming out of hospital, I had self-righteous anger towards her for not laying out the red carpet for me. It was very generous of her to take me in, but I took it for granted and focussed on the negatives, as usual. I complained to Malana, looking for a stunned reaction and sympathy from her for Gillian not making dinner for the ‘poor sick patient’. When Malana didn’t give me the reaction I wanted, I took my complaints to Simon (my friend and ex) and after a few days he picked me up from Gillian’s. That’s how I manipulated the whole situation to be looked after and get my own way. None of this has anything to do with volunteering.

Another example is when I was getting my eyes lasered for retinal tears, I played the ‘poor me card’ and manipulated the NZ volunteers to give me a lift and support me at the clinic. Rita volunteered but then forgot to take me. I was however playing a game with her. I wanted to see if she genuinely did care and so deliberately chose not to remind her. When I complained about her forgetting ‘poor me’, she rightly said I should have reminded her. But I just couldn’t see her point of view and held a grudge against her and was quite vocal about it. This was clearly about getting attention and my expectation and neediness that others look after me even though this has nothing to do with volunteering.

When I needed to go back to the clinic, again I focussed on my needs and getting them but complaining about a lack of support from family. Sree Maa Shri Ji so kindly offered to support me and asked Jeeya to visit me there.

Getting attention for poor me

One of the ways I tried to get attention and to get what I wanted was by using tears. By using tears, I turn them into a weapon of manipulation to coerce people into ‘emotionally supporting me’, ‘rescuing me’, ‘helping me’, and just in order to get my own way.

An example of this is when I cried uncontrollably at the FiT group dinner out at an Indian restaurant in Taupo. It was all about ‘poor me’ and I wanted people to ask what was wrong. I also wanted to sit close to Sree Maa Shri Ji and was unjustifiably upset that I wasn’t. Why couldn’t I let others have a turn? My nature has been to not look for the other side of reality – instead to only see my own version, which is usually warped and far from the truth. It’s based on my own false narratives.

On the bus in India with the FiT group I acted like I was possessed and in a dramatic act fell to the floor (but removed my glasses first so as not to damage them). It was all an effort to get attention from Sree Maa and the group. I did a similar thing during the 2016 Retreat, by acting taken over and not being able to control my body, rocking it side to side in a bid to get the focus on to me and to gain sympathy from everyone. This has been my pattern throughout.

Continue to Part 2: Selfishness - bringing toxicity to spiritual circles