Arrogance – inferiority camouflage, Part 1
arrogant
adjective
- Cambridge Dictionary
Have you ever noticed that those demonstrating arrogance are often the most insecure if you look beyond their camouflage of pride? Notice too in the definition above, that the word ‘unpleasantly’ proud is used. This talks to the impact arrogance has on others and its toxicity.
Let me explain how this toxicity of arrogance came to the
Facilitator in Training Programme, an incredible Programme where Sree Maa Shri
Ji gave selfless time and effort so freely to help all the volunteer
Facilitators in Training (FiT), so that we could transform our ego or small
self and realise our true Selves. However, some of us such as myself
chose to stay in suspension in our small selves, opting for comfort over
transformation. Despite abusing the program we were still showered with the
constant Love and Grace of Sree Maa. I’ll now go into some examples of how arrogance was brought into
Kosmic Fusion and acted towards our
incredible Guru and the other FiT.
Acting superior but feeling inferior
I acted superior with my Kosmic Fusion promotional writeups,
thinking I was gifted. So, so arrogant! It was because of all the Discourses
and Guidance we received, that I could start to see my own small self at play. I
loved doing writeups as it meant I had regular communication with Sree Maa Shri
Ji, and secretly hoped my writeups were impressing Sree Maa Shri Ji (thus
elevating my status).
Part of the Programme included studying scriptures in order
to gain true Knowledge. I acted so arrogantly holding the false belief that I
was better than most at understanding them. By being so arrogant I was causing
separation in the group and trying to project my inferiority onto others. I took
this even further and judged everyone’s efforts as higher or lower than mine
and found fault with them in one way or another. This was so clearly the
opposite of Sree Maa’s Teachings; it was most important to look at our own
flaws, not find fault in others. Sree Maa knew all our natures, yet patiently
and painstakingly helped us to gradually see them for ourselves.
Sometimes we would practice presenting to each other, but I
observed with a competitive and envious eye towards one of the other
Facilitators in Training, Niranjana. I wanted to be better than her and for
everyone to admire me, but it was hard as she was a natural at it. There were
also tones of my white superiority at play – an entitlement to be at the top,
given my whiteness. This is an inherent feeling I had of being above non-whites
and of having more worth than them.
I felt superior to the other FiT at both writing and
presenting. I internally judged Malana and Joy, the narcissists among us, as
being ‘below me’ but refused to go within myself, to recognise what was holding
me back from realising my potential and then work on removing it. Although I
recognised narcissistic tendencies in my self I preferred to hide rather than
address these head on.
When on the precious India Pilgrimage with Sree Maa Shri Ji,
I rudely ignored the other team members, not bothering to say hello or check in
to see how they were, yet showing my hypocrisy by expecting them to do that to
me, as I was more important than them. I expected others to look after me when I wasn’t feeling well at the Taj Mahal
and thought I was entitled to enter the Hanumanji temple in Sarangpur, even
though the rest of the group had not yet arrived. Another example of my
hypocrisy was judging the other FiT’s responses in our message chat group as
being inferior, yet when the FiT gave me honest feedback on my messages, I
could not take it. What plain arrogance I showed and yet I saw my behaviour as ok
(due to feeling superior), but clearly this was out of line.
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