Part 2: Hiding behind masks

This article follows on from Part 1: Hiding behind masks 

In it to milk it

‘In it to milk it’ – that’s what Malana, Joy and myself wanted to do to Kosmic Fusion.

Malana started her own online business in German to target Germany to spread her influence and gain control and power over others. This was all done behind Sree Maa Shri Ji’s back. I also began to start my own business without Sree Maa knowing but abandoned it when I realised that I couldn’t profit from it.

Joy Vottus used Clarito (another volunteer) as a flying monkey to help her set up her own healing business, including milking him for funds and putting him in debt for her gain. It is only after everything came out, I was shocked to learn that she was shamelessly stealing copyrighted material from Kosmic Fusion, including precious Discourse recordings that she made herself, in secret.

When I look at my actions/intentions now, I was more focussed on staying in my comfort rather than going through the discomfort of changing myself and genuinely moving forward on my spiritual journey towards God realisation.

All along I was in this delusion that I was a genuine seeker. Doing a lot of spiritual bypassing, living in cognitive dissonance and in my own narratives. It was meant to be about real self-reflection, but I didn’t work on myself. I also left twice because when it came to looking at myself, I chose self-preservation over making changes where needed. In addition, I hosted meditation meet-ups primarily for admiration and glory, not to serve. Instead I was looking for credit and validation rather than volunteering and serving as a non-doer.

Wolf in sheep’s clothing

Joy played the role of a committed ‘devotee’ and certainly had me fooled. Likewise, I looked up to Malana from the very beginning and even formed a so-called ‘friendship’ with her, which she abused to use my weaknesses against me. She enjoyed trying to break me, and I remained completely unaware the whole time. Malana contributed to my leaving the first time but also, I was afraid of doing the inner work and looking at my small self and its dark shades.

On top of that there was a time when I was ill and staying at Malana’s house. When I told her I thought I might be dying, she didn’t even call an ambulance. It was only when Sree Maa Shri Ji came over that I got taken to the hospital. Many months later when I asked Malana about it, she replied in front of the whole FiT group that she wouldn’t have minded if I died.

I too am not as I appear. When I reflect on my behaviour at Kosmic Fusion I expected a lot; attention, praise, to be looked after – which is nothing except greed and selfishness. My pattern is expecting you to fill me up, as I am empty inside.

All along Sree Maa gave me cues to look within, to understand the limitations that I needed to overcome and that I was making it all about myself but I couldn’t even see it! How blind I have been. I can finally see now, how I went to any length to protect the false image I had of myself.

The mindset I have been operating from can be summed up like this. I don’t even look at how my actions affect others or feel for them. In my eyes they should be doing my bidding as I am the victim and it is their job to help me feel better, plus I am superior to everyone – my needs come first, second and so on…your turn never comes and I will always have a reason why. In fact, I will make it about you – how you have wronged me and not lived up to my expectations.

I live under a mask of a fake persona. I have a different mask for everyone, dependent on what I want you to see and the tactics I use to get it. Generally, I will portray a niceness mask at all times to look good in your eyes, plus whatever else I want you to see, in order to gain your validation. If I can play the victim mask (dependent on your willingness to cooperate) then I will take the opportunity to use you as my supply.

Only when I’m faced with the truth or have to take responsibility will you see the seething anger underneath the innocent smile. That is if I can’t weaponise my tears to shut you down and focus back on me. I can be like a Jekyll and Hyde with my emotions, as I will take what you do/don’t do personally (all about me) and you will know about it. Usually I play this out through passive aggressiveness as I try to avoid conflict due to my fragile self-esteem. I will run from confrontation to save myself. I couldn’t care less about your point of view as I don’t want to change to meet your needs.

This was such a distraction for me. I couldn’t see past my own personal issues to contribute in an authentic way. Instead of adding to Kosmic Fusion, I created a lot of drama. Because I made everything about me and my issues rather than the Kosmic Fusion mission, I have been a detractor and only slowed down Kosmic Fusion through my dramas and inability to change.

With all these masks on that I was wearing, I wasn’t able to see my authentic self and now I have a chance to look at my false narratives and to break through them.

The immense Grace that Sree Maa has shown to me even though I was extremely self-absorbed, is beyond incredible. Sree Maa truly is the living embodiment of Grace and Compassion and didn’t give up on my or others’ potential, not even once. My huge gratitude to Sree Maa Shri Ji from this very undeserving one _/I\_ __/\_o^_ _/I\_