Enablers – the Narc’s preferred dish (Part 2)

Narcissism is a silent epidemic on the rise, and so too are their victims’ numbers. Psychology today reported that “70% of students today score higher on narcissism and lower on empathy than did the average student thirty years ago.” Scary stuff isn't it.

Narcissism does get talked about online quite a bit these days – but what of the other side of that relationship?

A narcissist enabler (source:Arachnoid.com) is a particular personality type that is thought to be shaped in childhood by the interaction between a narcissist and a dependent child who doesn’t have the personal skills/power to escape from the situation and who copes by giving the narcissist what he/she wants.

Let me talk from personal experience as being an enabler of narcissists all my life. i grew up with limited emotional coping skills and used alcohol to dumb my pain and to get through. i’d never heard of narcissism until a counselling session after my marriage breakup where the counsellor said my hubby was a narc. i walked out of there still confused and with little clarity. A decade on and i still was in the pattern of being a ‘victim’ of a narc or as i now understand an enabler. You see there are some among us that are tastier morsels than your average meal…(easy prey).

The trouble is narcissists twist the truth and leave you feeling like you are to blame and go crazy. However, enablers proliferate narcissists’ behaviour by putting up with them. Narcs love to gaslight you (aka employ psychological manipulation) and use flying monkeys (third parties) to turn against you by using them as a weapon to bring you down. They load the weapon with mistruths and accusations and get someone else to fire it at you. Hey presto, their hands are ‘clean’.

The narc will eventually cast you aside when no longer needed (leaving you devastated and exhausted) and you will stay/try to change things because you think it’s you that is the problem because the narc has skillfully twisted the blame to be on you.

For most of my life (until recent years after meeting Sree Maa Shri Ji and finally having my blinkers off) i had difficulty discerning where i started and ended. i would identify myself through others and saw myself as very much alone, different, unsupported, and not belonging in this world. i struggled to make sense of my emotions and to control them. i was a bundle of suppressed emotion – especially anger and sadness.

“The enabler tends to have poor boundaries, trust too easily, has a poor sense of their own value and seeks validation through their actions” from Psychology today – the enabling RELATIONSHIP AND NOT giving yourself away.

Here’s a simple chart of how i see narcs and enablers:

Narc                                              

Indifference to others                        

No empathy                                      

Over inflated self-love                        

“Fill me up”                                       

Enabler

Sensitive to others

Empathetic

Lack of self-love/love

“Give me what I lack”

What they have in common:

There are unmet emotional needs on both sides which they are looking to fill externally -->   <-- and so are drawn together.

The incredible irony is that neither can give each other what they need!!!

So, this is a bit of a predicament as you can’t always run away like most would advise you to do, such as when they are at work or a family member.

Here are the options as i see it:

•          Identify when you are being ‘narcced’. This will give you distance from your attacker.
•         Minimise contact as much as you can and know when to walk away from an abusive situation
•          Get perspective as playing the blame game will only weigh you down. Yes, they hurt you and messed with you deliberately but…
•          Don’t play their game (step back and be neutral). They live for your reaction as they are energy vampires
•          Don’t open up to them under any circumstances – it will bite you!
•          Realise that you CAN’T change them. They must want to change and usually they won’t
•          Work on your weaknesses. They won’t pray on the strong, or if they try it will be short-lived as there won’t be any supply for them.

Until we enablers eradicate the weakness/darkness within (our shadow selves) they will continue to prey on us, even though many of us are on the seeking path towards our ultimate good. Their aim is to take us off our true path!!!! That is why they love to prey on spiritual groups as a good source of sustenance (they love these because people play nice and it strokes their ego).

Trust me i’ve learnt this the hard way. My saving Grace has been my communion with God and the relentless efforts of Sree Maa to show me the Truth about myself and narcissism. It is only through knowledge and the Grace of the Supreme that i have been able to heal and now instead of relying on outside sources i offer up my challenges to God. i accept that the only thing that i can change is myself and have learnt not to expose myself and be so needy. Most importantly i place my trust in God and this has set me free. My huge and humble gratitude to Sree Maa for such selflessness in demonstrating what is really going on, taking so many pains and efforts and in helping me to overcome my patterns which hinder my spiritual progress. i thank my lucky stars daily as no one would have gone to all lengths to help me realise my potential _/I\_<3_/I\_

Jai Shree Swaminarayan _/I\_<3_/I\_